Chosen Family

Dear Pride Family,

It’s that time of year and family gatherings can come with an extra layer of tension- perhaps fueled by Uncle Jared’s terribly misinformed opinions spilling out after a drink or two, or the silent weight of unspoken disagreements bubbling under the surface. It’s hard not to remain on edge, bracing for what might unfold. 

For these reasons and a multitude of others, chosen family is often a lifeline for our community. They celebrate our successes, hold us through our struggles, and remind us of our worth when the world–or our biological kin–fall short. They show up, not because they have to, but because they choose to. They chose us back.

If any of this resonates with you, I’m here to tell you that you’re definitely not alone. As a non-binary person, I’ve navigated family dynamics carefully, trading hypervigilance for firm boundaries–or at least, attempting to. I’ve adapted how I approach family gatherings, here are some of my best tips: 

• I don’t carpool with anyone so I can arrive and leave on my own terms. 
• I set a time limit for the encounter (usually about 3 hours). 
• If someone unintentionally misgenders me, I’ll politely correct them, but if it’s malicious–like being deadnamed or misgendered with the intent to harm–I won’t hesitate to leave.
• I also no longer go alone to family gatherings. Instead, I bring a member of my chosen family–someone who understands me and can help keep me grounded in love and support, and someone who I would do the same for. 

You may know the phrase, “blood is thicker than water”, often used to insist that we prioritize biological relatives over all others. What many don’t realize is that this phrase has been shortened over time.The original version is: 

“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” 

Isn’t it fascinating that the complete phrase turns the common interpretation on its head? It suggests that chosen bonds– those forged through love, loyalty, and shared purpose–can be as strong, or even stronger than the ties we inherit.

Regardless of the time of year, we deserve to feel safe, respected, and loved. If the family you started out with isn’t supportive, know that you’re not alone. There will always be people willing to go to bat for you—you just have to find them. Seek out your community,  whether through local organizations, online spaces, or the friends who already feel like family.

You deserve connection, acceptance, and joy, not just during the holidays, but every day.

In solidarity and love,

Franklin Younger (they,them)

Staff Accountant